I have been humbled. I have gone back to being the silent guy I once was. I have resigned to the fact that people will forever think of you as they want to. And carry you cheaply if you let them. And you have to stand firmly wit what you believe in, while the questions you choose not to answer tell more about who you are.

So today I choose to tell you a very interesting story. I will not use their real names. You might learn a thing or two from it or at least use it to look like a smart ass among your friends. After all, this is a true story.

Maina is the typical Kikuyu to the core. At the age of 65, fresh from retirement, he had just bought a townhouse for his newly gotten second wife of 31 years. He’s never stepped in a kitchen unless there was a ‘spider’ situation that his new found wife could not handle. Old Maina believes that women should always be treated to the finest thinks of the world; while the young men should be left to fight and fend for themselves. After all, they have all their lives to fend. He believes that girls belong to the kitchen and boys belong to the fields to watch goats and hopefully get a chance to fight off hyenas while they are at it. Maina says that a man should Glow long beard while a woman should shave everything clean. Maina doesn’t believe in daughters inheriting anything from their fathers and dowry should be set before a guy impregnates any of his daughters. He hates light skinned petite women. He also believes that men should be at the top of the food chain. The world should have order and it would be stupid to fix something that’s not broken. To summarize everything, he doesn’t give a belch what you think.

One time he decided to have a drink at a popular joint in Kinoo fondly known as ‘Kikopei’. With him were his accomplices; three young men of ages between 28-34 years, his errand boys. Drinking with them has and had never bothered him; As long as they’re not childish, a man is as good as the next man regardless of their age. That is Maina’s policy. Anyway on this particular night just as the four men were about to finish their beers, two light-petite women staggered into the bar looking dolled up and supple. Their restless but confident eyes were a sure sign that they were in the bar on ‘business’. Seeing that everyone’s stare was on these wobbly-bottomed-sex-hungry looking bad girls, Maina did not waste the opening. He invited them to his table. Maina has always been a winner and since he looked like a wealthy old man, the other patrons at the bar gave up trying to signal the stunner girls to their tables. We all know you can’t get a young chic off from an old man’s money.

He ordered wine for them and suddenly, they night seemed to liven up for the men. Now in every situation such as this, the man that buys the drink has to get the most beautiful chics while the rest of the men are left to fight for the leftovers. In this case, the ‘young boys’ were left over the other chic.

Being a seasoned pick up artist, Maina was quick to lay down his terms and condition of engagement with this hot take home chic. He made sure that she knew the rules. All of them. That he would buy her alcohal and any other refreshment she needed for the night in return for a ‘wild sex’ thereafter. She agreed whore-heartedly.

After a few hours of heavy drinking and dirty dancing with the young chics, Maina popped his happy pill and declared it was time to go and sort the ‘other issue’. The young men bade him goodnight and said they would stay on with the ‘leftovers’ for a little longer as they pondered over who among them was going to take her home.

Once outside, Maina went on his cellphone to try find a cab to his favorite lodging or ‘kichinjio’ as it is known among his friends. His ‘chips funga’ however, had other better ideas. She reasoned with him it was not good to waste money on cabs and lodgings when it could be used in better ways like paying for her campus fee. Clearly, Maina had never experienced such a smart hooker. He gave in and was eager to go coz his happy pill was kicking in. Things were getting conveniently hard. You see for Maina an erection is a blessing coz of his age, his habits, his drinking, his pills, and his one pack among other things. It’s hard to come by nowadays and it is equally hard to know if it will happen tomorrow. They got into his retirement package, a new second hand Audi car and drove for 20 minutes before going off road into Kangemi. A hard knock neighborhood located in the valley behind the Mountain View. Maina remembered he had been here before in the early eighties to buy some plots. He has even forgotten where his plot was. It was still out here somewhere, but that will be a story for another day.

They drove through the slum occasionally shining their headlights on random hoodlums here and there. The stench of burst sewerage was overwhelming. After a maze of turns and twist, they reached the ‘chips funga’s’ house. Oh her name is Ciku if you are wondering. I hadn’t mentioned her name before, I hav my reasons. So Ciku lived in the middle of the slum in a one roomed. Her house was right smack in the middle of one of the most unknown and feared neighborhoods in Nairobi like a queen bee’s pod.

By this time, Maina was so hard it hurt. He gripped Ciku’s ass as she fumbled with the padlock. This caused her to drop the padlock in surprise. Maina believes in himself and coz of that, it has made him a go-getter and goes straight to the point without going round is circles. It was rumored that he had the strength of a ram when it came to women. That once he worked on a girl she’d beg for her life from the opposite side of his room wailing loudly in bewilderment. Maybe that’s how he came to be known as the ‘carpenter’. Ciku tried to fetch for the padlock in the dark but had to give up as Maina pushed her into the house in his uncontrollable heat. He kissed her but she kept pushing him away. He couldn’t understand why she kept on pushing him away. After all he had made it clear how it was going to go down. She slithered out of his grasp as he tried to tear off her top. They went on like this until Ciku spoke up in a rather terrified tone. She blurted that he was scaring her and that she was fearful he’d strangle her. This stopped Maina in his tracks. He had never been accused of been rough with a woman let alone a prostitute. He was known of his romans and smooth lines in every way. He fought himself down. With his erection now humbled, Maina started comforting Ciku in a low soothing tone telling her that he wasn’t a bad man and that he’d wait till she was ready. And as if to test him, Ciku dared him to hold her and spoon her till she fell asleep. This way they’d wake up in the morning to make love when she was ready.Maina gave in and spent the last few hours to dawn caressing Ciku and running his mouth all over her neck and back until he fell asleep.

Maina woke up in a start. Ciku wasn’t there. He quickly ran to the window and sighed. At least his car was still there, intact. He hurriedly prepared to exit and sighed again. There she was, coming from the kiosk a few feet from the house. She had a funny scare look about him. He could feel the anger flare within him and he wasn’t about to let her give another excuse. He had bought her drinks and she had to pay back. He beckoned her to come back to the house and do due diligence but she had other plans. Without warning, Ciku started screaming at the top of her lungs. She shouted that he wanted to rape her and strangle her. This being a slum, a crowd formed in seconds and was in no time baying for some blood. They were carrying, machetes and stones, ready to lynch him and his car. The tension between ‘the haves’ and ‘have nots’ is usually a deep rooted one. Maina had not option than to beg for his life and a chance to explain himself. He narrated how he had met Ciku the previous night and how they ended up in this standoff. Now in the hood the people’s court is usually very very fair. For after hearing both Maina’s and Ciku’s side of the story, Jewry ruled in Maina’s favor.

Now the crowd turned on her and demanded that she pay her dues to the ‘poor man’ who had even volunteered to drive her home in his expensive Audi. They forcefully pushed her into the house and vowed that they would only let her out if the old man had satisfied himself on having her.

Inside the house, Ciku desperately tried every trick in the book to get off but Maina would hear nothing of it. She said she was on her periods but Maina brushed it off saying he liked his sex bloody and messy. She tried the STD card but he countered it by saying it still didn’t scare him as he had only a few years to live too. The HIV/Aids card was the last kick of a dying horse. Then finally, she told him that she wasn’t a woman but a man, to which he laughed until he fell down in an epileptic laugh.

Maina dared Ciku, “Why don’t you remove your pants and if it is true, I will go!” “If you are a man, I will fire up my car and go home in peace!” but he still continued laughing like a mad man.

Then slowly, Ciku unclasped her skirt from behind and let it down. As the skirt went down, there it was, cello-taped to her sorry his right thigh. The biggest and longest Maina has and had ever seen of a man’s fire arm.

Maina is a quiet man these days. As I said. He hates light petite human beings, both male and female…whatever.…